I think I've experienced every possible level of emotion this semester. I was halfway confident coming back from winter break, ready (or at least resolved) to start organic chemistry and neurophysiological research. And I was okay, I was getting through it, not really stressing so much as focusing on finishing everything I needed to. And somewhere along the way, I started to break down mentally. Is this really what I want to be doing? I don't want my parents' jobs; I don't want to be stressed my entire life. Do I really want to go to med school, or is this just a direction I picked for lack of other ideas? Meanwhile, I was fine physically. Never better. If it weren't for the amazing friends I've met here, I probably would have gone on like that; not sure if there was a single reason I was putting myself through this. Somehow, I'm okay now. Perhaps not great, as it's April, and finals are coming up and my mounds of work don't seem to be getting any smaller no matter how much I shovel through. I have another exam tomorrow - bio lab this time. Blegh. But I feel less worthless in the research lab (yay for that - much better than the start of this semester) and I'm nearing the end of these classes. And I still don't know exactly what I want to do with my life....

Eek. I just got home from being out with my ex-boyfriend. Ex is really a harsh word sometimes...it seems like we never broke up. I just...left for school. And we're dating other people. No, I don't mean currently, I just mean we said to each other that we were going to date other people. And I went on...one date, just before break.  With a guy from my dorm who I really only see as a friend, although he is really sweet. He might ask again (?). I just don't know. There's really not much of a connection between my ex and I, not anymore (was there ever?). He's a great guy, and a good friend, and I really don't know what bothers me about him. Urgh. I hate my mind sometimes. Stupid mind. Stupid thinking. If I think so much, why do I never know what's bothering me? Perhaps it's time I just go to bed...

ahhh.....chemistry test in the morning :( I think my brain is going to explode. This is the difference between high school and college. In high school, if you knew everything for a test, you could get an A. In college, you have to know everything for a test, and chances are you still won't get an A. But I must get at least a B on this test. I will get an A in the class. I just might die in the process....no, I won't. That's pessimistic. Hmm....

Wow, I haven't updated in awhile. Imagine that. So many things have happened that I won't attempt to summarize. In any case, I've been really busy. And I can honestly say that most of it was being busy living. I love it here, really. A lot. I love the new friends I've made here (at the expense of sounding corny) and there are a ton of great people. My classes are...classes, but overall not too bad. There's a lot of work involved, but luckily that's nothing too new to me. It's harder to get an A, that's for sure, but I'm trying :) I miss my good friends from home, but I'm sure I'll see them over thanksgiving. But really, I wanted to post because my brain hurts and studying majorly for chem and psych is really not helping it. Nor is the fact that I can't seem to figure out what I want, and that bothers me. It's not that I have to have a plan for everything, it's just that I...well, I guess I hate not knowing things. I feel like I have to know everything. And somehow this is coming back to the fact that I'm really good friends with a guy here...it's only been five or six weeks, I know. But you know how sometimes you meet people you instantly click with, and it feels like you've known them for so much longer? Well, most of my friends here are like that, including him. It could be the fact that we all live in the same building, so I see them all the time. But it's not just that. See, the thing is, he's the type of guy who is genuinely nice. Such a fresh thing, that is. And he and I usually go to bed later than our other friends, which means we talk a lot. And I've told him a lot of things I don't just tell everyone. And apparently he feels the same way (about the talking, anyway), because the night I was really frustrated and just sad about several things, he came down with a cd and a note about how he can tell me things he never really tells anyone, and he really values our friendship, even though it hasn't been very long.  He says things like "I'm here for you" and we eat lunch together in the gardens sometimes, and stay up until five just talking, and I really can't help but love him.

So, the thing is, he has a girlfriend. They've been dating for about two years, and they love each other, and she's nice. She came down to visit (she lives like 10 hours away) the other weekend. But she's attempting to plan ahead, and he doesn't want to do that, even though he does love her. I mean, he's eighteen, and planning something two years away from now is not what he wants to do. It's not what I would want to do either, but whatever. Some people do, I suppose. So he's now having doubts about their relationship, and I think he's starting to realize that they're heading in different directions and all of that type of stuff high school relationships usually encounter if they even make it this far.  Soo, I've viewed him as off limits all this time. At least I've sincerely tried to. I can't tell if he's just the type of guy who is this thoughtful with everyone, or if he and I just do get along that well. And I wish I wasn't thinking things (clearly I like him a lot). I really don't want he and his girlfriend to break up, and I would never, never be the cause of that. I just don't know...I can't stop wondering if there's something between us, and it's not just me. See, this is why I wish I could just let things happen. I have four years here. I don't plan on letting him go as a friend, so he'll be here. I just...don't know. Once again I'm at a loss for what I want.

Oh god. I just said goodbye (no....see you later. we refused to say goodbye) to my best friend. Or I would normally say one of my best friends, but I think she really tops them all. I've become so close to her in the past year and a half that I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Actually, I do know. But it's so difficult. Obviously this has to happen. We were going to grow up at some point, and neither of us was going to pick the same school just for the sake of being together. It's not supposed to be like that. We're supposed to start a new life now. And really, this tests how much we care about each other, because whether or not we are able to keep in touch when not seeing each other for months at a time, well, that  will tell us a lot about our friendship. God, I love that girl. She's really been the only one I could depend on no matter what this year. I didn't really think about how hard this would be, probably because we were both avoiding it. I just don't want her to forget about everything, you know? I don't want to forget about everything. Yes, I know I'll move on and make new friends and all, but I don't want to lose everything I have now. Saying goodbye to my boyfriend is really nothing compared to this. And it wouldn't be as hard if I was leaving now too, but I have another week before I can jump into everything and try the whole "let's make new friends" thing. To be honest, I hate that thing. And I can only hope that I'll meet people as great as my friends here. I hope so. But nothing is guaranteed, and no amount of other people telling me it will happen makes me believe it, because I have to do it for myself. So yes. I hope I'm finished crying now. I didn't cry when we were hugging (for like ten minutes), and neither did she, and then she had to run away lol, but once I got in the car I just couldn't stop. Probably wasn't the best thing to do while merging into rush hour traffic lol, but I needed that. She's too important to me. But I'll see her at Thanksgiving. Even if she decides that she has new friends and doesn't want to see me, I'm still going to insist on seeing her. And now I think I'm finished. I need some coffee or something. Or water. It's so hot in here.

Yeah, so I haven't been around this journal in a few days...or several. Such is life. Not that I've been terribly busy or anything, really. My friends are leaving one by one (or two, in the twins' case), and I am one of the last to leave. Except for the one friend (whose name I won't mention) who is going to OSU, and they don't start until mid-September, which sucks. For her, that is. I'll still have her to keep me company. And my boyfriend...who I saw last night for the first time in two months. Hmm...so yeah. We spent about ten minutes trying to figure out what to watch, with me wondering why it mattered at all, and wondering if he really cared, which would mean we were actually going to watch it. Lol. But yeah, we watched Seinfeld for about five minutes before we were umm...distracted. Let's just say my friend was right, about the built up tension and all. She's always right...Well anyway, at least that went well. And we did actually get some talking in, after a while, after we ended up in the basement, where his room is. He's not being weird about anything, and it's all very relaxed. I'm really glad about that. Although he did bring up sex...the idiot doesn't even have any condoms. As if I would say yes even if he did, seeing as I'm leaving in less than two weeks, and I have no intention whatsoever to lose my virginity to someone  I won't see until Thanksgiving (maybe), and we won't be dating then. I don't think he ever expected me to say yes anyway. I don't think he even really wanted to, at least not last night, not like that. I wish you could ask people these things without ruining whatever moment you had with serious conversation. Oh well. I think he's satisfied with where we are now, which is farther than I thought it would get anyway, and if he's not, that's his problem. But on the whole, it was really good to see him, and casual, and I am now satisfied that this is not going to be a major problem. He knows I'm leaving, and he has his own life. He's the lieutenant governor's son, after all. Lol, I still think that's pretty funny...I didn't know that at all when he asked me to prom. So, anyway, perhaps I will see him today. And I need to call my friend who's leaving on Wednesday. I think I'll go over to her house and help her pack tomorrow. Or just take her out someplace to de-stress. Saying goodbye to her is going to be the hardest of all, and I'm going to miss her insanely...

So now that I have a few days off work thanks to the removal of my wisdom teeth (my mouth hurts like a bitch when I don't take those damn pain meds which knock me out), I've been thinking. This is unfortunate, you see, because I'm capable of thinking myself into a hole, or into any sort of mood. And I just finished writing a letter to my boyfriend. If I can even call him that anymore. I have no idea at this point. He's been in Oklahoma all summer, training with the National Guard because of his ROTC scholarship. 

So I haven't seen him in two and a half months. That's almost as long as we dated beforehand, so this is completely ridiculous. I'm leaving like 11 days after he gets home, and moving 10 hours away. He can't possibly expect me to want to continue this. My theory is that if I'm meant to be with him, I'll find him again later. He's staying here for school. I'll be home for holidays and such. But I'm not even sure if I want that to happen...honestly, I don't know how I feel about it, or about him. Is it possible to miss the idea of someone more than the actual person? I feel like I should have cared about him more while he was here, but that's just it, he was here, and I didn't need to. He was always so good to me, and I really think he's the girl in this relationship. God, he probably didn't even want to do whatever we got up to in the two days before I left for Spain (no no, no sex. not going to happen now). Maybe he did. He's a guy after all, right? I'm so stupid sometimes. I think maybe I'm just horrible at reading him. Or maybe he was waiting for some sign that it was okay from me. I was his first real relationship (although in most ways, he was mine), and I don't think he knew what he was doing. He was hesitant about everything. And it sort of got on my nerves at times, which also makes me think I'm the guy here. That, and the fact that he told me he loved me. Is training in Oklahoma that bad that he needed to say that? He doesn't love me, and it's that simple. He's been away from girls of any sort for months now, and it's probably god-awful hot there. But there's no need to make things like love up, especially when I'm leaving for school, and we've discussed in the past what that means. It means whatever we had was over. The problem is, I have no idea how to act with him when he does get home in just over a week. Happy? Lol. Slightly distant at the same time? Ugh. 

This would be so much easier if I knew how I wanted to act. I don't know what I want to happen. And even if I did miss him at times, I don't love him. So that's a problem, because I'm not going to lie to him about any of that. Why does this have to be so damn complicated? It's not even worth it anymore. And to top it all off, I am seriously craving everything I can't eat right now. I pretty much never crave fast food, but I would give a lot to have a cheeseburger and some fries right now. I'm so fucking hungry. Ugh. I want meat or something. And all I can have is stupid soup and jello.

I love my friends. Really, I do. I'm mostly speaking of the few friends I've had since sixth grade, the ones who have not become almost-alcoholics or whores (of a sort). I love people I can trust. It's so refreshing to still have friends who are virgins. Is that weird? I don't know, my morals are different from theirs, perhaps not as strict, but I do still have morals. I may have done a few things that they haven't, but I have said no to sex thus far. I have so many friends who have completely discarded their old speeches about what they "would never do". Yeah, right. Oh well, I'm leaving for college in a couple of weeks, and moving far away, and keeping in touch with my few friends who still really matter to me, who I really care about. Hmm, let's just say the ones who did things for the right reasons. And that's going to be sad; saying goodbye to these people. I haven't been away from them for more than a few weeks in several years. Anyway, I had a really good night last night. My friends (well, some of them, anyway..some had lame excuses lol) came over and we just had a girls' night (once the one boy, who shall remain nameless left, after his unending comments about my boobs lol). I love it when my parents go out of town. Cookies, more eating, and just talking are about the best things ever. We totally don't even need to drink. I am rather tired, however. And I'm having surgery tomorrow. Yikes. Lol, I need to eat like everything in the fridge today, because I have a feeling I'll be losing a bit of weight next week.

Mis Padres are officially gone, which is always nice. A week of silence and complete freedom. The only downside is that I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Aug 1st, which means I'll probably just be drooling on myself in all my solitude. We shall see whether my friends love me enough to bring me a smoothie ha.  I won't be able to drive as long as I keep taking those drugs lol. That's a bad idea, I think. At least this means no work for a few days, that's a plus. Also a plus is the fact that I think I've finally figured out which classes to register for...unfortunately, I can't do that for another week. Oh well. I shall just have to hope that the seminar I want isn't full once it's my turn.

Or bored. It could be that too. Either way, I did used to say that I would never get a livejournal. Not that I had anything against it or anything, I've just never been the type of person to share everything with other people. But then I realized that nobody in my "real life" (for lack of a better term) knows that I write fanfiction, or that my penname is autumn amethyst. Hah, problem solved. I am not sharing things with people who know me, or would recognize my face. So, thank god for anonymous online...journals. The thing is, this is soo much easier than writing in a journal, because I type infinitely faster, and I tend to forget where I put things (like notebooks). I kind of like this...yay. Something to occupy my attention for the few minutes I have before work.